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| Women's Issues: Taah's Lies About her Divorce Kept Her far From her Integrity by Kao-Ly Yang Join the Free Discussion Group: Hmong Women Network At the age of 25 years old, Taah did not and could not desire another life. She had everything. She was rich. She had many houses and apartments everywhere in the United States that she rented. Nobody knew the exact amount of her fortune. Some said she might be a millionaire, some mocked her and others envied her richness. But she didn't care. She had been working very hard to get her fortune. Her professional career as a laon officer was flourished. Taah was not a beautiful girl, but she was smart and very capable. Because of her physical disability, men ever showed her attraction. She was about 43 years old when a man came to ask her hand. The 57 year-old man still looked handsome, but still had children at his charge. He was divorced of his second wife. Taah never thought she would get married. She even renounced to that idea until that day. But the man behaved very nicely and pleasantly. She felt lonely and abandoned so this opportunity to change her life socially became a second chance. Even a rich woman needed a man to feel accomplished. She agreed to be his fiancée, and both started a two-year relationship before getting married. Months after, she felt in love, and accepted to marry him earlier. This was the supreme happiness for her. She had money, a husband and an interesting job. She only regretted not to be physically beautiful enough. Intellectual, smart and rich, Taah wondered about other possible ways to enjoy life. The last time I met them, they were planning trips to Southeast Asia. Years passed, life went on. A few months ago, I met Taah again in a market, I saw her walking alone, lost and despaired. She was difficult to be recognized. I think she did not want to be recognized too. Then I encountered her again at a social gathering. But she did not want to talk. She was proud and arrogant. I heard about her divorce: people were circulated rumors about her situation. And some female snake tongues were not tender at all towards her. It would be her mistake. Taah's unwillingness to simply recognize her divorce in public kept the rumors going stronger, and it was questioning because divorce occured so much in the Hmong American community that it was not anymore an exceptional event. Then I learnt her story the day I asked her to do my home loan: she divorced her husband because he betrayed her. The most unfair fact was that he got half of her proprieties and money without deserving it. During a trip to Laos, her husband met a 16-year-old girl whom he secretly married according Hmong wedding traditions. Six months after their return to the United States, she called him to let him know that she would be pregnant. Taah was the one who received the call. The husband told Taah about the secret wedding after some dayly fights where she had been battered many times. After another six months, they got separated and Taah was finally free. Only a few knew the real reasons of her divorce. Nasty rumors were at any mouth because people were unhealtly interested by bad news. During public gatherings, I still saw people mocking Taah with a total lack of subtlety, especially some women jaleous of her fame and of her money: they politely asked her in a very innocent way: "Hi, I did not see your husband, did he come too?" said one of the fat women with her sweet and hypocrite voice.. And I heard Taah reply: "No, he has something else to do". Taah's lack of courage to confront others' regards kept her far from her integrity, I thought. Why could she say that she had divorced a man who had betrayed her in the worse way? Even rich, intellectual and free women of the Hmong community could not say the truth in public. Why do divorced women accept to educate their community so that all will live in the light instead of shadow? Taah's story reminds us that money cannot help people to overcome their fear of losing face. For some, lies are denial to oneself. In the American society, divorce is private; still in the Hmong community, divorce is perceived as a public event, a failure, a social death for women. In this Hmong community, changes are needed. Divorce may be a good step to wisdom and acceptance. One's values need to be in aggreement with one's behaviors. We all only live once. Copyrights 2006 Kao-Ly Yang All rights reserved +++++++++++++++ This story is fictional. Characters and names are not based upon any dead or alive persons. I would like to remind the readers that if I write about the theme of lie in the situation of divorce, it is because in the Hmong society, divorce is not yet an individual's choice; it is still perceived as a collective choice. Lineage, households, and families still perceive divorce as a failure of the couple and of the whole group, including network of friends. That explains why many married couples keep living together, incapable to divorce, even if they do not love and appreciate each other anymore. And the divorced people, especially women, rarely accepted to talk in public about their situation of divorcees. Lying or hiding the truth seems to be the most appropriate way to handle their fear of rejection, and to cope with inappropriate and indecent questions. However, I believe that hiding the true is not the solution; it could harm oneself more than others. After observing diverse situations, I thought it will be beneficial to write about lies in women's behaviors. I then invented this story where the main character is a woman with a high social profil. By choosing such a woman, I would like to reach the leaders, both female and male. Knowing that Hmong society functions by role models, I think if leaders openly talk about their experiences or at least openly make less alarming divorce, and consider it as a normal way of living in their own life, there will be ways for all to less dramatize the divorce. And their influence will be great on many divorced people's lives. Impossible relationships will be acknoledged as such, and some people will cease to pull down divorcees, and divorced people will have higher self-esteem or at least more confidence. I really hope this short story will inspire people to think about divorce as a pursuit of happiness and of wisdom: Understanding their choice will give all, parents and their divorced children, the distance to cope with others' regards, to accept themselves as a human beings, and not to feel guilty for never ended years. BACK TO THE TOP |
| TOPICS OF 2006 January Tsab rau Tsab Mim Xyooj Lettre ouverte à Chamee Xiong, la plus célèbre chanteuse hmong The Open Letter to Chamee Xiong, the Most Famous Female Hmong Singer February Kuv tus Phauj Nyob Asmeslivkas Teb thiab "cov nkauj laug" Ma Tante d'Amérique et les "vieilles filles" My Aunt from America Handling the "Old girls" Ib tug ntxhais kev hlub rau nws leej niam Les soins d'une fille à sa mère A Daughter's Care for her Mother March Qav Xav Loj li Twm La Grenouille qui désire devenir aussi grosse qu'un boeuf The Frog who aspired to become as big as the Ox Cov lus, cov duab thiab cov siab tuaj koom lub rooj sab laj poj niam hmoob Paroles, photos et sentiments à propos de la conférence sur les femmes hmong Words, pictures and feelings at the Hmong Women Conférence, Minnesota 2005 May Taaj kev zais siab tsis pab nws tus kheej rov ua neej Les mensonges de Taah à propos de son divorce ne l'aident pas à trouver son intégrité Taah's Lies about her Divorce Kept her far from her Integrity Guest Writer: Lindy Lee-Her Hmoob Nkes: Thaum txij neej rov nyiam txiv neej,poj niam rov nyiam poj niam Gay et lesbians Hmong en Amérique Hmong Gay and Lesbians Phauj Xis raug muag ua niam peb Ma tante Sy a été vendue comme troisième épouse Aunt See had been sold as a third wife June Guest Writer: Lig Vaaj Xub Thoj Lub Neej Ua Yeeb Yam Kiab Un morceau de l'histoire du développement du cinéma hmong: Su Thao A Piece of the Making of Hmong Films: Su Thao Tsheej Kim, Tus neeg hu xov Tooj tsis tseg L'homme-Chencki The Chencki-man, the night caller July Tus txiv neej uas hais lus rau cov tsawb L'homme qui parlait aux bananiers The Man Who Talked to the Banana Trees, August Raug dab thawj thiab los sis siab phem xwb? Possédé par un démon de chagrin ou simple méchanceté? Possessed by a Lost Spirit of Grief or Simple Wickedness? September Guest Writer: Npoos Xyooj (Bong Xiong), Young Master of Hmong Wedding Kab Tshoob Kev Kos: Piav Txog Tshoob Coj Le mariage traditionnel: le cas du mariage par fuite Traditional Wedding: the case of marriage by elopement November Guest Writer: Kou Xiong Kub Xyooj Tsev Neeg Kev Nrhiav ib Lub Teb Chaw uas Muaj Kev Yeej Pheej La recherche d'une terre de choix par la famille de Kou Xiong Kou Xiong's Family Search For a Land of Choices December Niam Nkauj Kab Yeeb La rencontre avec la déesse miséricorde Guanying. The Meeting with Guayin, the Goddess of Mercy. |
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