Short-Story: A Daughter's Care for Her Mother

CONTENTS

Discussing: Contemporary Issues

Challenging: Women Issues

Reading: Research Article

Learning: History

Guessing: Proverbs & Riddles

Studying: Literature

Visiting: Photo Gallery

Admiring: Art Gallery

Listening to: Hmong Radios

Enjoying: Tales for Children

Taking: Courses of Cult & Language

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TOPICS OF 2005
February 21, 2005
"4 sab phab ntsa": Randy Travis
"4 murs" Randy Travis
4 Walls",Randy Travis

March 9, 2005: Guest writer: Chris Lee
Kev txo yus tus kheej txoj sia: tub ntxhais hluas kev nyuab siab
Essai sur les causes de suicide chez les adolescents hmong
Essay on Hmong teenagers' suicide

March 27, 2005
Kho Hmoob kev tsim karaoke
Critique sur le karaoke hmong
Criticism on Hmong karaoke

March 28, 2005
Koom Haum Hmoob Thaib
Association de développement chez les Hmong en Thailand
Hmong Association for Developement in Thailand

March 28. 2005
Huab tais Nplog tus Tub Xeeb Ntxwv Kev Npau Suav
Les espoirts du petit-fils du roi du Laos
Laotian Prince Soulivong Savang's Hope

March 28, 2005
Huab Tais tus Tub xeev ntxwv ua "Phibthi" rau cov tub rog tuag
La commémoration des soldats et civils mort durant la guerre secrète au Laos
The Commemoration of deaths during the "Secret War" in Laos

March 29, 2005
Kev toob kas noj mov zaub tseem tseem
Le besoin de manger organic
The need of organic food

April 4, 2005
Ua li cas ib tug zaj thiaj plhis tau mus ua Huab Tais ntxhais nkauj ntxawm
La peur des adolescents: comment un dragon peut-il devenir une princesse?
Teenager's fear: How could a dragon become a princess?

April 9, 2005: Guest writer: Paj Nyiag Xyooj
Nws yog pes tsawg ne ... Hmoob tus me nqi tshoob
Essai sur la problématique du prix de fiancée
Voicing the Bride Price in Hmong Weddings

April 25, 2005
Nkag siab rau lub neej laus nyob teb chaws vam meej
Comprendre le 3ième age chez les Hmong
Understanding the New Old Age in Hmong Community

May 7, 2005
Txheej txheem tshawb fawb
Méthodes de recherche: la contribution des recherches issues du groupe. L'expérience d'un ethnologue d'origine hmong
Research Methods: the contribution of native researchers. The experiences of an Ethnologist of Hmong origin

August 8, 2005
Kev thim xav txog tus nqi tshoob
Critique sur le prix de fiancée
Criticism on the Bride Price

December 18, 2005
Tus tsov: yog tsiaj los sis yog dab.
Le tigre: est-ce un animal ou un mauvais esprit?
The Tiger: is it an animal or a bad spirit?

SHORT-STORY
A Daughter's Care For Her Mother
How to Take Care of your Mother
Hlub koj niam thiab nawb

Kao-Ly Yang, Ph.D.

Join the Free Discussion Group: "Hmong Women Network"

Keywords: relationship daughter-mother, parents-children, siblings, brother-sister, relationship between elder and younger siblings, immigration, friendship, abandon, forgiveness, money issues, reciprocal understand, clan identity, system of support, important rate of children, unconditional love, cultural change; cultural gaps between parents and children

Shia was not aware of the needs of her mother until her early 30's. Born in a rich family in Laos, become very poor after 1975, the date that marked the exile to the West of many Laotian people, she was living for herself. Like other Hmong families where kids are numbered and worries are also uncountable, her family has 15 mouths to feed. In migratory situations, life just offered tougher opportunities; and experiences were brutal and mistaken. Her generation was the "lost generation" after 1975. But for her, life was more generous or she has a bigger dream, and dared dream higher even if she had been starving during all her years of university.

Shia was not the last daughter, but the last one to stay single with her mother as other older and younger sisters got married. She has spent more than 20 years of her adult life with her. Their relationship has their best as their worst time too. The first years as a student at the University were very difficult for both. Her mother unceasingly spied her because she was afraid that Shia might date boy-friends. It was the 1980's where the Hmong community in Fresno, California, was more conservative, and the first generation started to explore the inter-racial marriage. The mother was afraid to lose face, and need to do "her" job well so that her daughter will get a "good" husband. Then when she finished her bachelor degree in social work, she started to work, and has the opportunity to meet other people, to make money for herself, their relationship changed into a better relationship.

During the student's years, Shia totally depended on her mother's support since her father has abandoned them long time ago. It was not a divorce, either a total abandon because her father has a second wife that he loved better than his older wife, married by "levirate": she was the wife of his older brother dead during the "Secret War" in Laos. At that time, Shia's mother had 7 children of which 5 were boys. To keep her inside the lineage, otherwise to not let her take the children to other clans, Shia's father volunteered to marry her. The practice of marrying the daughter-in-law to a younger brother (Niam tij txis kwv) was the normal way of Hmong lifestyle until today. When the family came to America, the mother gave birth the 5 other siblings. However, Shia was the only child born in the Refugee Camp of Ban Vinai in Thailand. Older and less attractive, the father got remarried to another younger wife. He was only 16 years old when he married his 25 year-old sister-in-law.

A mother remained a mother. Whatever weather it may be outside or in Shia's heart, her mother remained her strongest support. Seasons passed. Rains, snows and winds felt, whirled and span; spring, summer, autumn and winter danced around the world, a mother's love for her child never ended. It was this kind of love that Shia's mother has for her. As child even adult, her mother used to cook, clean for her. As many other women grown up in a traditional society, the mother did not receive any formal education even if she was clever. Constraint to the role of domestic caretaker in a patriarchal society where men dominated in all activities, she contented to live in her time in fulfilling her role of a good mother. Her horizons of happy days jumped out of the routine while driving to Oakland near San Francisco, California to sell her vegetables and fruits. But these moments, now over, were always short and overshadowed by exhausted days in the farming land of the hot and long summer in the Central Valley.

When Shia first finished her BA degree, she was thinking of how to "pay" back to her for these long years of support. Her sister advised her not to do because when she would get married, her bride price will be a good way of expressing debts and care toward the mother. However, Shia did not think in that way. Time has passed. Her mother was not anymore young. Because of her numerous childbirths, she got older faster. Love did not wait for rituals to express; love is not a cultural affaire, especially between daughter and mother. Shia knew that her mother felt very lonely and, more and more, abandoned. She was a single mother for so long years.

Years passed again, Shia was still single, and started to date foreigners because the 30-year old woman had difficult to find a suitable Hmong man. She did not want divorced or widowed men. She also wanted to have educated men, which limited her choices. Gathering siblings to talk about their mother's was vain discussion. The mother was too proud to accept open help. The mother was alone most of the time even if there were two young brothers at home. They were hopeless in taking care of the mother. Shia was living by herself, of about one hour driving from her mother with her American Vietnamese boy-friend.

Many of her siblings were not aware of the mother's situation. Or they did not want to provide the care that her mother needs. Most of the children always perceived or thought of the mother as always strong and self-sufficient. There were gaps and miscommunication, and for some insurmountable relationship. Some of the children also encouraged their mother to get married again. As for Sia, she was thinking differently. Getting the basic needs was the most important. Her mother did not have a washing machine for her clothes; she lost her teeth; she was losing her sight; she needed a new bed; she needs comfort at the material and spiritual level.

So Shia, after ineffective discussions with her siblings, just decided to take care of her mother, and did not engage more futile talks with them. She knew in her heart that there were 15 children born from this woman, but only a few would feel love and understanding for her in her old days. She went to buy all the necessary to her mother, and took her to dental care for new teeth, arranged time to visit her every week, to clean her house and to take her mother shopping. She was not the richer, but life was worth in that way where she could show love to her mother who took good care of her instead of thinking of herself.

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I wrote this story because I would like to awaking awareness of Hmong Elderly situations. According to my own experience as a daughter and also my numerous observations as a researcher, I realized that many Hmong children are not aware at all of their parents' sufferings, especially of their mother's needs at the old age. I saw many children neglecting their own parents for individualistic egoism.

I think we need to help our parents as they did for us when they were child, even if we do not have --always-- money or time. We need to provide dental care to our parents so that they can correctly eat. Every 2 to 3 months, we need to take them to visit doctor for check-up, especially the ones who have cardiovascular diseases.

In this post-modern society, individual happiness doesn't sound right when we abandon the Elderly to their loneliness and material misery. The Hmong society based on children-parents' system of support did not yet offer an appropriate answer to Elderly needs. Until now, it is always children who take in charge their parents. The cultural changes that are occurring in the Western societies have introduced new behaviours and understanding, and priorities in many men and women's expectations and needs. However, I think it is crucial to remember the foundation of all human societies which bases on respect toward the old age, and the happiness at any age, the compassion for others' as a way of living, and of thinking and of thanking.

In this post-modern society, individual happiness doesn't sound right when we abandon the Elderly to their loneliness and material misery. The Hmong society based on children-parents' system of support did not yet offer an appropriate answer to Elderly needs. Until now, it is always children who take in charge their parents. The cultural changes that are occurring in the Western societies have introduced new behaviours and understanding, and priorities in many men and women's expectations and needs. However, I think it is crucial to remember the foundation of all human societies which bases on respect toward the old age, and the happiness at any age, the compassion for others' as a way of living, and of thinking and of thanking.

          "Understanding the New Old Age among Hmong Elderly"

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