Story: The Third Beauty. How to Overcome Early Marriage?

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CURRENT EXPERIENCES
The Third Beauty.

By Kao-Ly Yang
                                                                Version française
                                                                Sau ua lus Hmoob

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Dr. Toua was born in Laos, but grew up in the United States. He might appear quite serious with his title and higher educational background. If you knew him intimately, you would guess that his life was not always successful. He had been struggling against his own heart that took him from the bottom to the top. While many of us were sleeping, tranquilly waiting for success to come, Toua was climbing mountains. His story is an inspiring modern tale.

Like other young men, the first challenge Toua had faced was love. He seemed always choosing the most difficult path. But was life a straight road? He left his parents and went to South Carolina to studying, far from Fresno, California. A couple of years later, he went to England to pursue his medical training, and stayed during two lonely years overseas. After days, months and years of separation, the prodigious son finally came back home, and finished his residency near home.

Physically, Dr. Toua was an ordinary fellow neither too big nor too tall. But mentally, his dreams revealed to be bigger and higher. Since childhood, he dreamt to become a medical doctor. Knowing his loneliness and the number of years spent alone far from his family, I wonder how he could keep such a moral strength to pursue his study. Number of you, students and parents, would want to know his deep motives that strengthen his determination to succeed in the field of medicine. The first time I met him, I asked him the same questions. "Where do you find such a courage and determination to go so far and so high, sacrificing so much? Is this persistence to pursue higher education due to the will to materially succeed or to something else? What kind of experiences have you been facing so that you become so determined at school, and apparently, for reasons that go beyond material success?" If I now tell you the motives, I am not sure you will believe me yet. Let me share his history first for all of us to learn.

His story is very similar to other young Hmong's. When Toua was 20 years old, he met a young woman from China. She was very pretty and attractive. My friend naturally felt in love with her. His first thought was to get married to her. So, one night, he decided to ask her hand. And he drove to her hotel.

For Toua, getting married meant at that time --and he was fully aware -- the end of his dream of pursuing medical studies. He knew that he could go on a few more years at school, but would not give his best because having wife and children at charge constituted a real challenge for a husband-student.
Standing alone in front of the hotel room of the young woman, many other realities, unaware till then, suddenly became touchable, and sad thoughts seized my friend's heart. He eventually started to have doubt about the righteousness of this choice for his future. He was wondering whether or not to knock the door.

Paralyzed by hesitation, he sat down next to the door, waiting to find the courage to enter into her room. At this moment, an old Hmong man appeared in the lobby. Toua said he saw him. He then came to sit next to him and started to chat with him. Realizing the difficult situation, he then told my friend:

"My son, in life, there are three times where one experiences beauty. The first time beauty occurs takes place when you are a baby. As babies are adorable, all want to hold them in their arms, to protect them, and all tenderly love them. The second time happens during the adolescence. At the age of 15 or 16 years, you are attractive with your red cheeks and good looking. All then love you, and some even want to marry you. However, all human beings during their lifetime will once experience the two moments of blossoming beauty. My son, there is a third time when a human being could reach great beauty. You have to know that only a few people could reach it. It is the "third beauty", an extraordinary moment where your achievement at school gives you a radiant beauty that will transform you into somebody special, unique, and exceptional. At this moment, everyone will appreciate you, love you, even envy you. The third beauty is the most precious beauty of the 3. It is timeless. It is worth silver and gold. If you persist in pursuing your studies, you will know the third beauty, the one that will last forever. With such a beauty, everything is possible".

For Dr. Toua, the words of the old man delivered him from the temptation of getting married. They were silver and gold in his heart. They helped him to strengthen his courage and determination to study for long and lonely years. They made him fly over valleys, mountains and oceans in the search of knowledge that would save people. Even if certain nights, Toua felt distressed or was sleeplessness, his heart was always attached to the promise of the third beauty that would bring him prestige, power and social recognition.

My friend did not actually know who this old man was. Afterward, Toua never encountered him again. How brief was this encountering, but how empowering was it. It had totally changed his life. Toua remembered that the old man left him with a peaceful heart and a clear mind. He stopped fretting, and totally abandoned the idea of marriage. He went back home and in the mid of the night, packed his bags. Then the next morning, he left Fresno for South Carolina.

Readers, do you believe in the third beauty? How does one keep the inside beauty while getting old? Dr. Toua's story should inspire you to build up your reasons and strengthen your courage to pursue higher education or simply to accept the loss of physical beauty in sight of a bigger moral and intellectual beauty ? that's why I decided to write his wonderful and touching story, hoping that it will inspire you.

For you, Hmong students who want to pursue higher education, but at the same time, are afraid of not later on finding a beautiful wife or a handsome husband, I think Dr. Toua's story should reassure you, and secure your fears. His story offers a unique lesson of optimism: beauty never dies with age; instead, it becomes bigger with knowledge. Beyond professional and social achievement, there is a gift of youth: the incomparable and lasting beauty of mind. If you are beautiful of the beauty of mind, your horizons will be wider; your choice of wife or of husband will be multiple or simply more reasonable. With more emotional and intellectual maturity, your vision of beauty will change; which will help you to find the right person, to make the good choice of spouse. Do not worry about the loss of physical beauty or aging process. Accept criticism on behalf of your parents as a way of learning. Let's remember that Hmong people do not live anymore in the Mountains of Laos where marrying or well marrying was a survival social pattern. Nowadays, with a good education, you will be better prepared to choose a mate as well as to be chosen. Believe in Dr. Toua's experience.

The third time of beauty is really made of heart and mind. The third beauty expands your horizon, understanding and harmony with your self. The third beauty is an infinite beauty that lasts forever, beyond death.

Thank you for Dr. T. for sharing such a powerful and empowering story.

I hope this story will inspire you to make a difference in your life as well as in the ones of your children, and to promote, to support higher education although all kinds of difficulties, cultural barriers and gender obstacles.
Young ladies, keep in mind the 3rd beauty as an answer to fear of losing beauty! Don't be afraid! You will find your prince at any age.

My fellow Hmong, let keep you far from early marriage and early pregnancy. When you marry very young, at the age of 14 years or 15 years, you won't enjoy life with comfort and financial security. Go get a higher education because a good training will open your mind, strengthening your professional skills, keeping you far from
material poverty, moral misery and lack of love and respect toward yourself.

Copyright © 2002 Kao-Ly Yang
All rights reserved.

Written in February 2002
Edited in January 2006
Edited in January 2007

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TOPICS OF 2002
July 19
Ua cas Hmoob pheej mus huas Niam Nkauj Zuag Paj?
Why do Hmong people try to catch Lady Gaozuapa?
Pourquoi les Hmong tentent-ils d'attraper la belle Gaozuapa?

July 29
Kev Zoo Nkauj Zaum Peb
The Third Beauty. How to Overcome Early Marriage?
La troisième beauté. Comment vaincre le désir de se marier trop tôt?

August 8
Criticism on Hmong Representation of Excellence in Education

August 20 (Guest Writer: Yaj Saub Xiong)
Niam Nkauj Zuag Paj Muaj Pes Tsawg Pounds
How Many Pounds Does the Beautiful Gaozuapa Weigh?
La Belle Gaozouapa a t-elle combien de kilos?

October 13 (Readers' comments)
Vim li cas kuv thiaj yuav tau ua tshoob hmoob?
Dilemmes dans le mariage hmong
Dilemmas in Hmong Wedding

November 2
Principle and Modalities of Socialization of the Child (PhD thesis)
Enjeux dans la socialisation de l'enfant hmong
(Thèse de doctorat)